Need help w/ my wife (Extended)?
Concerned Husband asked:
Revised cliff notes of my marriage: See other postings to get the most information #1 post “Will My Wife Turn into my mother-in-law?” #2 post “Need some help with my wife” Both posted 01/25/2007.
My wife has depression and is on medication. For the last 5 years of our marriage my wife has continued to lie, steal, deny, stubborn, difficult, (on things that made no sense) and maybe cheat (not sure on that one) I have two step children, she’s been married twice, my first time. Treat them good. She moved from the south to the NE where my job is. Within a month noticed my wife undermining me/ the family. So much that my step daughter underwent counseling for depression (cutting, “can only be happy in the south” her mom’s doing, and unsure of her sexual orientation. Spent thousands but, she worth it I was to work & she was to be the home keeper (One of our pre-marriage agreements) did the opposite till I said OK to her working ,now doesn’t want to work(and isn’t) Gave her plenty of cash & a credit card for emergencies. Used that card 15 to 30 times a month for 10 months (till she gave it back/ I said enough, I was very kind and loving) all while I am tending to my terminally sick mom (Talk about blind sided). Went through many more card methods nothing worked (no trust/keeps lying & stealing now but in other ways) Found out that my wife has a secret bank account. Within 6 months, M-I-L ( who has mental problems) hit me up directly for money (which I gave to her) and later I suspect that she expected monthly handouts because I have a good job.(wife denies all,)
Found out I was going to lose my job in a couple months (airline down cycle) she refused to get a full time job because “I don’t want to do any of those jobs” Said it will be temporary, and was needed to get us through this difficult time. She refused to get a job. Also said let’s keep the kids(hers) in private school and keep the house. Still wouldn’t get a job. Sold my motorcycle, golf club membership and my SUV to lead the cutbacks. She demanded new furniture while I downsized. Luckily I found a job. Said she could have a reversal (before marriage) not true .(I think she knew that). I know now that she will not be able to have children. (she didn’t know that). Maybe I thought by having kids w/ her may save our marriage. Sounds stupid, even as I write this. There’s been many good times, she is good looking , is a sweetheart, *** is fine, my family & friends all likes her (but they don’t know any of this). Just this week found out that my wife also has secret PO Box, she got 3 more cards in her name, pays her cards debt w/ my (families) money and is hiding the mail again. I could write about her behavior for hours. I would kindly forgive all this stuff but it keeps on happening. It’s been bottled up for years except for our two councilors. I’m afraid nothing is working. Also to be fair, the 1st year of our marriage I was calm and understanding. But by year two, three and four, her behavior had not changed and there was many heated fights about lying and stealing etc…I know yelling (or yelling back) is wrong but I couldn’t take it anymore. However on year 5, I controlled my tone and watched as she was the person who antagonizes arguments and started the yelling. She continues (in different way) her destructive behavior. Went to counseling I did my part she agreed to her part but never did it, Lip service only. I was glad to see that I wasn’t 100% to blame for my frustrations (still understand that being rude is wrong). I guess I’m still looking for input on my marriage. Is this my fault in anyway? I don’t think so but I want to be sure before I consider a divorce. Do I stay in this mess? PS Thanks for all the responses so far.
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
Tags:Emergencies,Home Keeper,Jobs
Revised cliff notes of my marriage: See other postings to get the most information #1 post “Will My Wife Turn into my mother-in-law?” #2 post “Need some help with my wife” Both posted 01/25/2007.
My wife has depression and is on medication. For the last 5 years of our marriage my wife has continued to lie, steal, deny, stubborn, difficult, (on things that made no sense) and maybe cheat (not sure on that one) I have two step children, she’s been married twice, my first time. Treat them good. She moved from the south to the NE where my job is. Within a month noticed my wife undermining me/ the family. So much that my step daughter underwent counseling for depression (cutting, “can only be happy in the south” her mom’s doing, and unsure of her sexual orientation. Spent thousands but, she worth it I was to work & she was to be the home keeper (One of our pre-marriage agreements) did the opposite till I said OK to her working ,now doesn’t want to work(and isn’t) Gave her plenty of cash & a credit card for emergencies. Used that card 15 to 30 times a month for 10 months (till she gave it back/ I said enough, I was very kind and loving) all while I am tending to my terminally sick mom (Talk about blind sided). Went through many more card methods nothing worked (no trust/keeps lying & stealing now but in other ways) Found out that my wife has a secret bank account. Within 6 months, M-I-L ( who has mental problems) hit me up directly for money (which I gave to her) and later I suspect that she expected monthly handouts because I have a good job.(wife denies all,)
Found out I was going to lose my job in a couple months (airline down cycle) she refused to get a full time job because “I don’t want to do any of those jobs” Said it will be temporary, and was needed to get us through this difficult time. She refused to get a job. Also said let’s keep the kids(hers) in private school and keep the house. Still wouldn’t get a job. Sold my motorcycle, golf club membership and my SUV to lead the cutbacks. She demanded new furniture while I downsized. Luckily I found a job. Said she could have a reversal (before marriage) not true .(I think she knew that). I know now that she will not be able to have children. (she didn’t know that). Maybe I thought by having kids w/ her may save our marriage. Sounds stupid, even as I write this. There’s been many good times, she is good looking , is a sweetheart, *** is fine, my family & friends all likes her (but they don’t know any of this). Just this week found out that my wife also has secret PO Box, she got 3 more cards in her name, pays her cards debt w/ my (families) money and is hiding the mail again. I could write about her behavior for hours. I would kindly forgive all this stuff but it keeps on happening. It’s been bottled up for years except for our two councilors. I’m afraid nothing is working. Also to be fair, the 1st year of our marriage I was calm and understanding. But by year two, three and four, her behavior had not changed and there was many heated fights about lying and stealing etc…I know yelling (or yelling back) is wrong but I couldn’t take it anymore. However on year 5, I controlled my tone and watched as she was the person who antagonizes arguments and started the yelling. She continues (in different way) her destructive behavior. Went to counseling I did my part she agreed to her part but never did it, Lip service only. I was glad to see that I wasn’t 100% to blame for my frustrations (still understand that being rude is wrong). I guess I’m still looking for input on my marriage. Is this my fault in anyway? I don’t think so but I want to be sure before I consider a divorce. Do I stay in this mess? PS Thanks for all the responses so far.
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
Related posts
Filed under: Marriage & Divorce on April 24th, 2009
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
Take a look at BPDCentral.com I think it will be an eye opener for you.
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
No you don’t stay in this mess. She is a money grubbing lazy piece of garbage. She refuses to work when you are downsized? Yet demands you make major purchases? Perhaps there is a reason you are not her first husband. Rudeness and politeness are nothing compared to what she is doing. Get rid of the money grubbing lazy POS and move on.
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
sounds like she is not happy with her life. have you tried asking her what she wants to do, what makes her happy. Everyone wants their own money so the secret accounts could indicate that feels like she has NO control over anything. Something is obviously not right. She needs to tell you whether she wants to continue in the marriage and come up with some suggestions. Think about what worked for you guys in the past. I mean did you get along better when you were home more at nights or when you too had date nights. I know from experience that financial troubles cause a ton of other problems in a marriage. I also know that if she doesn’t feel like she is A1 in your life then that leads to a lot of problems. I am not blaming you on this but you cannot change her, you can only change you and the way you respond.
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
Hello there friend.It sounds like you are having a tuff time. I myself have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years in total.I have been through alot.You have mentioned that you attended couseling,keep it up! If not in couseling, then attend again if you want to keep the marriage going.
It sounds to me that your wife has no respect for you to put you down in front of anybody period.Stealing and lying are a big deal in a marriage.I feel that trust is one important factor in a marriage.She has another account and hides it and hides mail?? That is border line sneaky.That makes me nervous for you.
I can understand that we all say and do stupid things from time to time.Whether it be name calling,putting the other down and just blaming each other.(I’ve been through it)But that is where conselling comes in to help how to understand and redirect anger away.
It just makes me nervous that she is purposly being decitful.From this side of things it sounds to me both of you have a lot of working out to do together.Hopefully you both can.
I guess what I am saying to you friend is if you are tired and don’t see how this can work then ask yourself do you want to go through this 5 more years??I don’t feel it is my place to say leave or not.All I can say is my heart goes out to you.Keep trying but you can’t make someone better if they don’t want too.
I seperated from my husband because of his behaviour for 6 months.Then he suddenly got his act together.We have been together ever since.I’m not saying this could happen to you I am just saying everyone is different.
Also,if she has been married before then I would put money on it that these issues you have with her she went through this with her other x-husbands!!!I bet you.
Think things through,try and if you do feel the same I would start thinking of an escape route.
Best of luck friend,I hope it works out for you either way.Keep your head up high regardless.
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
dude, just leave her
See your 2008 Updated Credit Report here
First of all I would like to say hats off to you for dealing with this situation for the sake of love. I have been married to a wonderful man that i have known for 11 yrs, married 6yrs. ( I accually thought I hated him for a while). I think my husb. knows how you feel and I am just beginning to understand myself! You say that the counciling isn’t working(counciling made me realize we weren’t communicating)….have you two tried church. I would definately start a new begining with putting God in your lives first, which I started doing 3 years ago. About the depression-been there done that. In Jan 2006 I took a month leave from my job. Went back and ended up quiting in May 2005. I was also put on medication for depression. I did not get out of bed for 3 months, did not care about anything! It is a scarry feeling and something no one should go through alone. I do not consider myself “the type” for depression, but I felt that my unhappiness in life and my husband lead me there-building up over time. I no longer use medications. Another thing that helped me was I also got involved in Mary Kay Cosemetics. This is something that I feel helped me sooooo much. The women in MK helped me deal with life stuggles(like depression), always encouraging me and never giving up on me. Because of them I have personnally grown and learned that I was the problem when I always believed it was my husband. Also, I discovered I was not happy with who I was and I felt like a nobody. I went to my weekly meetings faithfully because it was my getaway for a few hours of happiness. I strongly recommend checking this biz out for her-she sounds like me a couple years ago and it worked for me. This would also allow you to kill two birds with one stone…if she still needs to work she can while the philosophies of the company may change her direction (as well as yours) in life.
She needs to dig down deep and find what it is that is making her depressed. It is not a simple task by any means. You seem to be doing your part, but the fighting takes two and resolves nothing. If you two cannot talk without a fight starting, wait til you calm down or make an appt with each other at a later time-very important. You loved her when you married her, promised to love each other til death do you part, so honor what you feel and say. I will pray for you both-I know first hand what you are going through and I know for a fact that if you (and Her) work on your marriage things will surprisingly look up eventually. Please hang in there and keep trying. Gosh I can go on and on, but just don’t give up-never give up! I hope the best for you both.
God Bless,
CIndy